I was in Vietnam for five months. I received the silver star, air medal and purple heart. During the entire rest of my over seventy-one years of my life nothing has impacted me as those few months I spent in the jungles of Vietnam.

In that time of hell, I learned what humans are capable of doing to each other and the magnitude of weapons and devices created to mutilate and slaughter each other, which has only grown fiercer since.

Images of; dead and mutilated bodies of every age group and sex; a friend standing for an eternal few minutes with a vacant stare before he fell dead to the ground from a shrapnel of a booby trap that penetrated his helmet; the skull of an NVA solider that looked as if the insides were removed by an ice cream scoop; VC nurses being tortured by ARVNs with wet rags over their nose and mouth while a blouse is ripped off; friend after friend dying.

In triple canopy jungle, I had hundreds of ants drop on me from the trees. I had to strip to get them off me and out of my M-60. I had a cigarette lit as often as I could to burn off the leeches. I was humping so much weight one day that when we got to our destination I fell from exhaustion. I got dysentery and never made it back to the hospital. Only as far as a LZ where I spent my days and nights with a trench tool in hand. When I was finally well enough to go back to my unit I listened to a radio transmission at the helipad as they were being ambushed. I should have been there. Others might find that stupid, but not a veteran. I learned how to control fear to do what needed to be done. I learned how spoiled Americans are while observing the living conditions of the Vietnamese.

We dealt with snipers, ambushes, snakes, scorpions, jungle, ungodly heat, monsoons, and everything else the jungle and the North Vietnamese could throw at us.

That was life in Vietnam until I was wounded and medevaced back to Saigon, then Tokyo, then Walter Reed in DC.

It was my wife who got me to seek treatment for PTSD

I left the hostiles of Vietnam only to come back to a hostile USA. Being from Lebanon, PA, I didn’t experience the depth of hostility other veterans did, but upon talking to them I could sense their pain, frustration, and anger. However, when I joined the local VFW I was told they really didn’t want Vietnam vets by WWII members. I finished out my tour in Fort Riley Kansas, came home, got married, had a family and used the GI bill to get a degree.

I could not sleep at night without waking many times, and suffered through nightmares and flashbacks. I tried to bury Vietnam in my mind, but it just simmered there for years. I believe it cost me my first marriage. I had trouble working and concentrating. It took me three hours to get one hour of work done. I went on my own so I could work three and bill one. I moved out of state where I met my second wife. We moved back to Lebanon so I could be near my daughters as the were growing up.

It was my wife who got me to seek treatment for PTSD as previously I had given up on the VA. When it originally came out about agent orange, I went to the VA to check as I had been having skin problems. They told me I wasn’t exposed to it even though I was in the jungle my entire time I was there, and its main purpose was as defoliant. It was then I realized that they didn’t care. There were many veterans with PTSD and that led to some problems such as the shootings at the post offices. The USPS has an adversarial approach to management and those vets were not “disgruntled” they were harassed to the breaking point.

I and other veterans were just a burden on a budget, and when wars are over for a period of time the veterans go from heroes (In other wars, that is, we were never considered heroes) to a line item that needs reducing.

“Deny, ‘til they die.”

Our government has a history of lying to veterans and their families such as having used them for guinea pigs in different kinds of warfare. Only when they are found out to the point it can no longer be denied do they admit it. They never come forward on their own. The phrase we learned was “Deny, ‘til they die.” I and so many other Vietnam veterans have become very bitter and distrustful toward our government.

My road back started with Dr. Fields at the Lebanon VA. He was a good man, who cared and he asked me to write things out so I started writing poetry. I wrote mostly about Vietnam and war, but did write a few others for friends. My best poems are about things I care deeply about.

I was doing well for the most part until the new wars brought all the old ghosts back. You never put the experience of war behind you. You just bury it in a shallow grave until someone digs it up again. Then more poetry is written.

If you want to know my thoughts on Vietnam and what has happened since, read my poems. Whether they are good or not doesn’t matter as much as whether they are honest. Vietnam Veterans of America’s motto is “Never again will one generation of veterans abandon another.” We have kept that promise and today’s military members are treated as the heroes they deserve to be. That is bittersweet for us, but as it should be.

Mike G.

Selected poems by Mike Groff.

Vietnam Leftovers- PTSD
I thought Vietnam was the conflict
But it was just the seed
Buried deep, taking root,
Spreading like a weed
To dominate my subconscious
Until the time was right
To break through the surface
The start of sleepless nights

Tears by The Wall
As I watch them standing there
Their eyes welled up in their despair
I wonder just how far they came
To search the wall to find the name
A parent, wife, daughter, son
Each of them had lost someone
As I see their knees grow weak
As the tears roll down their cheek
I cannot help but wonder why
The ones they loved had to die
Was this war worth the cost
Of all the soldiers who were lost
This war was viewed with such disdain
That many said they died in vain
I was there, I saw some fall
I fought with those named on this wall
My heart is with them on this day
As from The Wall they walk away

The Wall
Bullets, jungle, leeches, rain
A man lies dead, my country’s shame
I saw him stand, I saw him fall
Now his name’s on the long black wall
The people blamed the solider
But he was just a pawn
The rules were made by others
And now the man is gone
But he will not be forgotten
Of this I guarantee
By those who fought beside him
To keep our Nation free